Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
