I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
