on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
