i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
