Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
