I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
pop tarts are not kleenex
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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