This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
