two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My vagina just clenched in fear
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
