Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
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He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
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I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him