I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
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everyone is single if you try hard enough
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
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It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death