i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!