When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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