Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
In America we eat man semen.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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