if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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