Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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