Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
