nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
