I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
