I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
