My liver just broke up with me...
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
