Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
