I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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