omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize