Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
