i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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