I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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