i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
