i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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