Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
