Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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