The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
