i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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