The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
