The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
