I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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