It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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