oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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