I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
