I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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