just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
