I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
