My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
