there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
