I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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