I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
