thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
