I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
