i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
