You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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