The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
