You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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