i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize