So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
