I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
