It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
