8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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