And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
