When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
