It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i now understand why vodka
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
