Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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