my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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