yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
