Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
