last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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