A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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